This week I fell down hard and so fast that it felt like a weird Rick and Morty episode and the floor beneath me was melting and the screen was twisted and blurry and my head felt dizzy and pink and then… it was a still, clear image of me standing in the same spot I had 2 years prior by the window that points east, screaming, so desperate to get rid of the pain inside of me because well, I feel deeply, you see and I like to think of my days as little rollercoasters, but this specific rollercoaster scared me as much as El Torro in the six flags my mom’s side of the family took me to when I was, maybe… 10, I can’t remember, only how fucking scared I was because that sudden leap your stomach takes, jumping into an already sinking momentum, oh man, yeah I felt that and my heart said “fuck it, I’ll jump too” and made a giant fucking leap following my stomach, so I let it happen and I screamed until the bad feeling went away so I could breathe in all the light I had been saving, all the nights spent journaling, 8am runs, painting upon painting, therapy and reiki sessions, songs that were sung, hundreds of podcast episodes, and books, oh I love books, my biggest teacher in life has come from those books because the people who wrote them have asked my same questions and have felt my same pain and if you want to know how I know that, well then you, my sir, are not an artist because I know every artist also experiences the little rollercoasters, its what keeps us going and the pen writing and the love flowing because the best fucking part of being an artist is the gift to give, everyday, little special gifts that pour out of our souls to joyfully share with others and those little gifts were inspired by the little rollercoasters that I am learning to cherish so much and I think I fell in love with myself again today, okay yes, I did already love myself, but I wasn’t head over heels because I thought I had someone else to be head over heels for and when the person went away, there was no decision for me, my seat belt was on, the lap bar was down, I was going to ride that fucking rollercoaster and the lessons I’ve learned is that I always get off smiling and life itself continues because in order to share the little gifts of love I create, I’m appreciating the little rollercoasters that made me and led me to the French Board River Park to the big tree by the edge of the river where the water flowed quickly south and autumn slowly let go her leaves and I was laying down watching the golden branches sway and the river rush, thinking of how good my lunch was because I was so happy I decided to order Indian food and take myself out on a picnic to read my new book and write another story.
